I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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