I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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