drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
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And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
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I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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