and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
