I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
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I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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