Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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