So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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