I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
