i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
