My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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