he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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