Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
