Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
