I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
