I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
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And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
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What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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