he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
