the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
