My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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