i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
