Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
