I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize