From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
