I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
