wrigley field is MILF paradise
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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