I'm lost and stupid without you.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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