I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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