I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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