I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
