Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So squirting runs in the family.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
