i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
