We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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