so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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