If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
