The best revenge is premature balding
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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