she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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