my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
