Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
