In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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