When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
