I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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