I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
