i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
