Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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