I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
