what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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