I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
