Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
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She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
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I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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