I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
