I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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