dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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