She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
