Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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