remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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