Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
