My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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