If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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