Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
